WAS IT LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
WAS IT LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
When I met Richard, October 10, 1981, he was sitting outside, the sun was glinting off his red hair, and I felt that “Wow!” It turned out to be a lasting love at first sight. However, the truth is that I felt that “Wow!” to one degree or another for many guys while I was single. With Richard, everything progressed more or less seamlessly from that first day until marriage. Now, after being married over 40 years, we are happy and blessed.
I believe “love at first sight” is only in hindsight. We can’t know at the beginning. I find that expectations of romance and “instant” relationships are very high in both men and women who come to see me, and so is the frustration level when this doesn’t happen. Internet dating, coupled with movie and TV images of instant “love at first sight” create expectations that prohibit people from getting to know anything about the character of the person they're dating, and don’t give the couples a chance to develop what I call the “infrastructure” of a long-lasting relationship. Just like a high-rise building with no basement, relationships with no decent foundation tend to get more tottery as they go on. What do I mean by infrastructure? I mean communication and problem-solving patterns, space-and-power sharing agreements, trust and mutuality.
Every day, I have the delight and privilege of loving Richard, a real, fallible man. We’re about the same age, he’s losing hair, and I’ve gained weight. However, after more than 40 years, we have fused our hearts and souls, if not our personalities. He clearly loves me, though I often frustrate him, and I am grateful for his presence in my life on a daily basis. Our intimacy is lovely, thank you, even if it doesn’t match social media fantasies. We laugh together, we share the struggle with life (and tech) problems together, and the thought that he might die before I do fills me with dread. All the handsome celebrities in the world couldn’t replace my very own, live and kicking, formerly red-haired leprechaun. It took me 37 years to find him, and I’m not about to replace him with so-called “perfection.”
It’s amazing what more than 40 years of being actively, joyfully in love can teach. Richard and I met when he was 37 and I was 36. We had already learned what NOT to do from previous divorces. When we met, like most couples, we quickly entered limerence: that “in love” feeling where nothing matters except each other. But, sooner or later, life calls: we each had our own businesses that needed attention, and we had to come up for air.
Over the years, we've learned the skills of long-term relating, and keeping love alive; which are different from new relationship and dating skills. We've learned tolerance for each other's annoying little quirks, how to give each other adequate space while staying deeply connected, how to be partners in life who can always count on each other, and we've developed a shared sense of humor that we count on to lighten up difficult times.
We're lucky enough to travel a lot now, work a little less. We've survived many losses, including dear friends and family members, and learned to ease the pain by sharing it. We've learned that tomorrow is another day, and to look forward with hope. We started out as two highly independent people who've gradually become part of each other's hearts and souls, but never just one person. We've learned that love continues to deepen and surprise us with sudden glimpses into its depths.
My wish for you is that you are similarly delighted and surprised with the ones you love.
©2025 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from: Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today
Author Bio:
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 25 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" (New Page 2003)""How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page 2002) "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" (Wiley 2002) and "The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs" (New Page 2001) She publishes the “Happiness Tips from Tina” e-mail newsletter and has hosted "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show. She is an online expert, answering relationship questions atwww.CouplesCompany.comand Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Institute expert and “Psychology Smarts” columnist for First for Women. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and on such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC news.
