UNREQUITED FRIENDSHIPS
UNREQUITED FRIENDSHIPS
If your so-called “friend” isn’t returning your calls, says no to any invitations, and doesn’t make any moves in your direction, it’s one-sided. The best way to find out is to stop making any contact, and see if the friend contacts you. If this is a change from how the friendship used to be, your friend might be newly in love, just had a cancer diagnosis, or be on a drug binge. You won’t know unless you hear through gossip. If your “friend” is angry at you, they should have told you, but some folks just disappear.
• A good friendship is balanced. It’s based on mutual respect, mutual caring, mutual benefit, and shared fun. A friendship that has stood the test of time will also involve mutual help and support.
• Bad friendships go in one direction only: one person does all the giving, the other only takes.
• Good friendship increases your self-image and your happiness.
• Bad friendships tear you down.
• Good friends keep their own lives together, and have something left over to share with each other.
If you have a real, identifiable reason to break up with your friend, get your thoughts about it in order, and tell your soon to be ex-friend what the problem is. If it’s some kind of bad behavior, which your friend could possibly fix, let them know what they could do. “I am very uncomfortable with your drinking too much and your behavior when you’re drunk. I just don’t want to be around it. If you ever decide to quit drinking, let me know.” If you’ve just grown apart, or your life has become too busy (new baby; traveling for work; caring for invalid) for this friendship, say that. “I’m sorry, but my life has changed, and I just can’t manage our usual get-togethers.” If you’re feeling insulted, say your feelings are hurt and you don’t want to take the risk of being hurt again. Let them know what kind of contact, if any, you’d be willing to have. If none, then block them off your phone, Facebook, etc.
If and when you meet accidentally, just be polite and cool. You don’t want to cause any scenes in public. If you have friends in common, it’s more difficult; you can ask your friends to let you know if the ex-friend will be at a gathering, but don’t ask them not to invite your ex-friend. Instead, make your own decision whether you want to be there. If you do go, be polite and cool. Just keep your distance.
You can learn from a bad friendship, to improve your future friendships. To make sure a new friendship doesn’t become one-sided, use the “tennis match” approach. Make an offer or invitation, and then wait for your friend to invite you in return. If you keep things balanced, and don’t do all the work, you have a better chance of building a balanced, sustainable friendship. At least, you will know right away if the friend has no energy in your direction.
Doing too much, or “buying” people doesn’t work for long. Being flaky will not attract good friends: be responsible and keep your dates. Don’t drop a date with a friend because a date asks you out: you’ll lose the respect of both. Don’t be too needy: wanting all the attention drives potential friends away. Learn to listen as well as talk.
If you find you are choosing the wrong friends over and over, it’s could be because you’re replicating something dysfunctional from your early family: sibling rivalry, a rejecting parent, a distant older sibling. You may still be chasing these kinds of people as an adult. Therapy can help you resolve these issues so they don’t continue to affect your life and relationships today.
Adapted from:The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40 and It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.
Author Bio:
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 25 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" (New Page 2003)""How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page 2002) "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" (Wiley 2002) and "The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs" (New Page 2001) She publishes the “Happiness Tips from Tina” e-mail newsletter and has hosted "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show. She is an online expert, answering relationship questions atwww.CouplesCompany.comand Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Institute expert and “Psychology Smarts” columnist for First for Women. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and on such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC news.
