The Toxic Behavior of Emotionally Abusive Partners

Local lawyers frequently ask me to work with the abused partners in divorce cases, to help them identify and stand up to their partners’ toxic habits before facing divorce court. It’s often difficult to break through the abused partner’s self-doubt and their confusion about the lies they’ve been told. I help them to understand the toxic habits of emotionally abusive partners, and as they begin to see the pattern in their ex’s behavior, their self-esteem starts to grow. Here are the major toxic habits of emotionally abusive partners. Eventually, if the victim doesn’t stand up or escape, these emotionally abusive habits tend to lead to physical abuse.

Emotionally abusive partners:

1. Will not take responsibility for their hurtful actions and tend to accuse others of the same bad behavior they exhibit.

An emotionally abusive partner won’t take responsibility for his or her behavior. Instead, they project responsibility or fault onto anyone else, most often the blameless partner. Abusers deceptively distort facts, misrepresent the truth or outright lie in order to shift blame to the partner. Truth is not relevant to an abuser. They will sidestep responsibility at all cost.

2. Abusers start out by appearing loving and attentive to rope you in, but it doesn’t last long.

Abusers use charm and uses gifts and affection to initially groom and win over the victim. The controlling behavior, which may include:

• constant vigilance on their victim’s whereabouts and activities,

• incessant texting or calling,

• demanding more and more time alone with them and

• discouraging other relationships with friends and family

Is reframed as being “deeply in love”

What the victim might interpret early on as “insecurity” or “jealousy” and even “love” quickly turns into controlling, gaslighting, and undermining self-esteem and self-confidence. Emotional abusers swing quickly back and forth between dramatic declarations of love and abusive displays of rage.

3. Abusers undermine your strengths and minimize your accomplishments.

Anything the victim accomplishes, such as an accolade at work, is reframed as fraudulent. The abuser implies the victim’s success is just because superiors are trying to take advantage (actually what the abuser is doing). Emotional abusers also tend to discount your feelings and opinions as invalid, as though you don’t have a right to feel hurt or unloved. An abusive partner will tell you you’re ‘too sensitive,’ ‘too emotional’ or ‘crazy.’ Abusers won’t acknowledge or accept your opinions or ideas as valid and make fun of or discount them by telling you you’re wrong or stupid or overemotional.

4. Abusers react badly when you disagree with them.

Emotionally abusive partners have a strong need to be right, and won’t accept any disagreement from their partner. They take personally any opposing idea from the victim as an attack, and react with anger and bullying. The abuser actually believes the victim is the emotionally abusive partner. In other words, abusers see disagreement or honest criticism as abuse.

5. Abusers make excuses for their abusive actions and behavior.

Abusers always have an excuse, such as being stressed, overwhelmed, tired or perhaps even drunk, which gives them permission to continue behaving badly and excusing the behavior. Nothing you do is right, nothing they do is wrong.

6. Abusers separate and isolate you from your family and friends to make you solely dependent on them.

The abuser gradually separates the victim from any support system, such as friends, family, co-workers, therapists, or mentors. This isolation means the victim becomes dependent on the abuser, which also helps prevent the abuse from being known.Friends and family will likely object, and this tends to drive the victim further into the clutches of the abuser. The more isolated the victim is, the harder it is for them to see reality, and to get help.

7. Abusers put unrealistic expectations on you and the relationship.

Abusive partners exert pressure and make unreasonable demands like wanting the victim to spend all of their time with the abuser. They demand the victim put everything aside to meet the abuser’s needs. No matter how hard the victim tries, or how much the victim gives, they are highly critical. An abuser may expect a partner to agree with everything they say, and react angrily if the partner doesn’t.

9. Abusers lie with impunity.

Abusers recognize no truth but their own; which frequently is fiction. They have no loyalty to truth or facts. They can change opinions on a dime, and not have any need to reconcile the past opinion with the new one or acknowledge the contradictions.The abuser “gaslights” the victim, lying repeatedly and causing the victim to doubt their own opinions, ideas, and truth.

Being aware of these traits can keep you safe from emotional abuse.

Adapted from: Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today