The Power of Fear in Disguise

THE POWER OF FEAR IN DISGUISE

Fear is one of our most powerful emotions. It can completely take over the brain, sending us into fight or flight. Most anger is actually fear disguised as scary power. But the driving emotion is fear. It’s the fight choice of the “fight or flight” reaction.

If you are flooded with fear or anger; but you can remember it’s just a mindless reaction, you can break free of it. It’s very important to remain as calm as possible, so you can think and solve the problem, whatever it is.

If you are confronted with someone’s anger, keep in mind that it’s fear in disguise. The more in touch you are with your feelings, the less power they will have over you. You can learn to work with them, instead of letting them be in control.

If you’re fighting, arguing, muttering to yourself, you are probably afraid, and not thinking clearly. The same is true for the other person. Whoever calms down first can get control of the situation and send the fear/anger back to its cave in the brain.

Use “who, what, when, where, why” questions to switch your brain from the limbic brain, where reactions and emotions reside, to the prefrontal cortex, where your thinking lives. Asking the same kinds of questions of others who are exhibiting fear/anger can help to switch them into thinking and out of reaction.

Fear is not your friend. Be careful not to exaggerate your own scary thoughts: don’t project what is scaring you now into the future. Instead, focus on understanding the problem and seeking to solve it. There is a reason why “Keep Calm and Carry On” became a British poster during World War II. That attitude helped the British to win over impossible odds.

Don’t listen to scary news and podcasts. They are designed to trigger your fears. Instead, get your information from written sources, which you can think more clearly about. News outlets like the Associated Press will give you plain, usually helpful, facts.

Follow people who deal in facts, not scary fantasies.

If you are confronted by an angry person, calm yourself down as much as possible, and try asking factual questions. Ask them to explain why they’re angry, and repeat it back to them instead of reacting to it, no matter how off base you think they are. You are not going to change an angry person’s mind about the facts, but you can change their emotional reaction by letting them know you understand. Remember, the anger they display toward you is really fear, and when you listen, they’ll calm down at least a little. If you can keep them answering “who, what, when, where, why” questions, they may talk themselves down from the angry, fearful stance. When possible, back off and leave them be.

If the person is important to you, come back in a short while and see if you two can have a more rational, reasoned conversation.

© 2025 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed