THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING
THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING
Do you want things to go better in your relationships and friendships? Listen, listen, listen. The three most important words you can use in a relationship are “tell me more.” To consider your partner’s needs, you need to understand them first. Listening does that. When both of know you’ll always be available to hear what you want to say, you’ll be much happier. Knowing what your partner wants doesn’t mean you have to “give in”— instead, work together to find a solution that works for both of you.
People hesitate to open up and share their struggles, their pain, and their feelings because they’re already overloaded and feeling bad, so they don’t want to risk being criticized or told what they need to do. Feelings can also be difficult to express, especially for people who are uncomfortable with their feelings. A good listener can help them open up, and both of you will feel better.
When a friend or loved one finally does open up, don’t make the mistake of not understanding. Talking too much, trying to relate by sharing your own problems, criticizing or trying to be helpful by making suggestions which the person isn’t looking for is not helpful unless they specifically ask for your advice. Someone who opens up to you usually just wants you to pay attention, to be quiet, and to listen. Even if they are sad about something between you, don’t get defensive or try to apologize. The time for that is later. For now, just listen.
Being a good listener is often the most healing thing you can do. A person in pain just wants to know someone cares enough to listen. Often, when someone has a chance to explain the problem in a supportive environment, they wind up seeing it from a new perspective. When they have the opportunity to hear themselves talk about what’s painful, it often eases the pain and they can let it go; or it allows them to consider the problem from a different angle and that may even lead to a solution.
To be a better listener, just be there, don’t speak, perhaps say “uh-huh” every once in a while to let the person know you’re listening, Look at the person who is talking. Don’t try to stop them from crying or being angry, unless they’re being destructive. I once had a client who would wring his hands painfully when he was talking about his painful past. I stuffed tissues in his hands to give him something to rend and tear without hurting himself. Each time he left the counseling office, there was a pile of shredded tissue on the floor. After several sessions, as his pain lessened and he was feeling better, he brought me a hand vacuum to help me clean up, and we both were able to laugh together. Your goal is to allow the hurting person to pour out everything until their reservoir of pain is empty. It can take a while. If they stop before they ’re finished, ask a question like “And then what happened?” or “How did you feel about that?” Don’t fidget or use your cell phone. Give them your full attention. Hold a hand or hug them if that seems to work, but don’t force it on them. Sometimes it helps to walk together. Being out in nature, if possible, is very helpful and soothing. But be willing to walk slowly, to stop for breaks and sit together, or not go anywhere if the person doesn’t want to. Let the hurting person take the lead. You are there to be supportive. You don’t have to fix anything. Listening will fix a lot.
©2021 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction
Author Bio:
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 25 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" (New Page 2003)""How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page 2002) "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" (Wiley 2002) and "The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs" (New Page 2001) She publishes the “Happiness Tips from Tina” e-mail newsletter and has hosted "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show. She is an online expert, answering relationship questions at www.CouplesCompany.comand Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Institute expert and “Psychology Smarts” columnist for First for Women. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and on such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC news.
