STONEWALLING: WHAT IT IS AND HOW TO OVERCOME IT
STONEWALLING: WHAT IT IS AND HOW TO OVERCOME IT
Stonewalling is saying nothing during a discussion or argument with a partner. It means your thinking has shut down, and you don’t know what to say. It feels like you’re refusing to communicate, when it’s really emotional paralysis. Your brain is overloaded and shuts down when you get upset. You need to ask your partner for a break to think through a response, or just say “I don’t know what to say”
Some people get loud and agitated when upset in an argument; but others just shut down, which the partner perceives as stonewalling, or refusing to communicate. People who like to avoid conflict may shut down during a confrontation. This conflict avoidance may occur if you had a loud or overbearing parent or sibling as a child. It sets up a fear response that shuts down thinking and feeling. Of course, stonewalling frustrates your spouse, which can cause your partner to escalate (get louder and angrier) which will shut you down further.
It’s a fear response, signaling that you (or your partner) are overwhelmed, and often happens when one partner has more verbal ability than the other. It can also be a result of PTS (Post-Traumatic Stress) which means you got severely punished or reprimanded for giving the wrong answer (or “talking back”) as a child.
Stonewalling is frustrating to your partner, which increases anger and resentment. It also stops both of you from discussing whatever the problem is, and reaching a mutually satisfactory solution.
How can you recognize if you are stonewalling and change your habits during conflict if you’re the one who shuts down? You need to do it in stages. First, recognize that it’s a body/brain response, not entirely in your control. Learn to recognize how it feels, so you can tell your partner you’ve shut down, and you need a few moments. Then, discuss it with your partner at a time when you and your partner are not upset, and help your partner to understand that it’s an involuntary response to too many words and too much emotion. If your partner (who probably doesn’t have the same problem) understands, he or she may be able to be more helpful and understanding.
If your partner is stonewalling you, understand that it is probably involuntary. Your partner is not doing it on purpose. His or her fear response is mental paralysis, which has shut down thinking and feeling, because it’s overwhelming. You need to calm down, recognize that the overwhelm can’t go away as long as you’re talking. Take a break (I suggest my clients call a “time out” by making a “T” with their hands, as in basketball), calm down, and then re-approach the subject, using a few words at a time, and seek to understand what is so fearful to your partner (who may not recognize the fear) Think about communicating with a frightened pet or child, and use that tone of voice, and that calm demeanor. This is not easy, but it’s very rewarding, because it works.
If either one of you has a tendency to shut down during conflict or upset, you can work together to calm yourselves and each other down, and learn to talk calmly about problems and differences, so no one will get emotionally flooded enough to shut down. It’s more important to be open to listening to your partner than to try and pressure him or her to see your side.
©2025 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed
Author Bio:
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 25 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" (New Page 2003)""How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page 2002) "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" (Wiley 2002) and "The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs" (New Page 2001) She publishes the “Happiness Tips from Tina” e-mail newsletter and has hosted "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show. She is an online expert, answering relationship questions at www.CouplesCompany.comand Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Institute expert and “Psychology Smarts” columnist for First for Women. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and on such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC news.
