SOLVING THE DISASTER EQUATION
SOLVING THE DISASTER EQUATION
It can come as a shock, but things you think of as “Loving” can often alienate a partner: Some of these lovingly meant gestures can actually damage a relationship. Anything done from your perspective that doesn’t take into account how your partner feels about it or views it will feel intrusive to your loved one.
We’ll look at some of these, and then figure out what to do about them.
Here are some things that may feel loving to you, but can harm your relationship:
1. Smothering: Waiting around for your partner, wanting to be together every minute, can seem loving to you, but if it’s more intimacy than your partner wants or is used to, it may feel very smothering and demanding. If your partner seems to be avoiding you, ask why and listen to the answer.
2. Broadcasting: I just got a complaint about this in my office this week. If something special (or terrible) has happened to your loved one; it may feel good to you to broadcast it on Social Media (Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, etc.) and brag or commiserate, but your loved one may not want such public awareness. Always check before posting stuff about people you love.
3. Nagging: We worry about our loved ones, and sometimes that worry leads us to say things that may not be what they want to hear: “You need to lose weight” “Why don’t you get a better job.” “Please go to (the doctor, AA, Weight Watchers, my manicurist, etc.)” All these things are said from love and worry about the person, but he or she may just hear it as pressure. Instead of criticizing, ask if you can help, or, better yet, if your partner feels that it’s a problem. If he or she doesn’t, then keep quiet about it. If you’re seriously worried, read “Gentle Persistence
4. Keeping Track: Wanting to know where your loved one is all the time may come from love, and wanting them to be safe, but it often feels like lack of trust to your loved one. Ask to compare schedules when there’s a possibility of conflict, but don’t ask for every moment to be accounted for. If you can develop a pattern of checking schedules with each other every day, and then leave it alone, it might be a good option.
5. Snooping: Reading your loved one’s phone, email, checking up on their bank account, snooping through their room is a clear sign of lack of trust of them. If you have reason to suspect drugs or other problems, then the snooping could be informative, but it will still damage your relationship.
The Disaster Equation
There’s a common relationship interaction, which I call the “Disaster Equation.” I can explain it like this:
• (A loves B the way A wants to be loved) +
• (B loves A the way B wants to be loved) =
• (A feels unloved and unappreciated for loving) +
• (B feels unloved and unappreciated for loving).
The resentment builds on both sides; a natural disaster with mutual accusations and mutual guilt is the result.
But if both A and B realize that love styles are unique and that A may not understand how B loves, and vice versa; then assumptions underlying the original equation change as follows:
• A & B now want to learn from each other.
• A learns how B wants to be loved; teaches B how to love A.
• B learns how A wants to be loved; teaches A how to love B.
Then:
• (A loves B the way B wants to be loved) +
• (new ways B has learned to understand and appreciate) +
• (B loves A the way A wants to be loved) +
• (new options A has learned to like) =
• (A feels loved; appreciated for loving, excited about new discoveries) +
• (B feels loved, appreciated for loving and excited about new discoveries.)
This all comes about because A and B have recognized the necessity of learning and teaching styles. They dropped their assumptions about the meanings of each other’s behavior and learned to be interested in and understand each other. It really is that simple. The hard part is remembering how simple it is when things get tense, angry or scary.
© 2025, Tina Tessina.
Adapted from: Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences
Author Bio:
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 25 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" (New Page 2003)""How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page 2002) "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" (Wiley 2002) and "The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs" (New Page 2001) She publishes the “Happiness Tips from Tina” e-mail newsletter and has hosted "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show. She is an online expert, answering relationship questions at www.CouplesCompany.comand Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Institute expert and “Psychology Smarts” columnist for First for Women. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and on such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC news.
