How to Talk with Your Partner About Counseling

How to Talk with Your Partner about Counseling
By Tina Tessina, PhD LMFT

If things are not going well between you and your partner, and you think you both could benefit from counseling, here are some tips to help you bring up the subject and have a successful outcome.

1. Be well prepared before talking to your partner about therapy. Choose a moment when you feel strong, and you and your partner have some peaceful, uninterrupted time. Your goal is to be adult, thoughtful, calm and rational, even if your partner is aggravating, dismissive or childish in his or her responses. Stay calm and positive in the face of negative responses. Be sure you’re not upset, exhausted, fearful or angry when you try it. That means you may need to take care of yourself by blowing off steam elsewhere (in writing, to a friend) if you get annoyed, or dropping the subject temporarily (and coming back later) because you’ve run out of patience. Until your partner realizes the importance of this particular issue to both of you, you are in the role of educator. Be sure you know clearly that your goal is to get an agreement to see a therapist together.

2. You’re not asking for permission to have your way. You’re making a firm offer to your partner to participate in the process so that he or she can benefit also. If you hold that point of view, you won’t feel guilty, helpless, hopeless or angry. Remembering that you’re working to get therapy that will be beneficial to both of you and your relationship, and even raises the odds that your relationship will continue to be successful, will keep you objective and motivated to succeed.

3. Be gentle and firm. Gentleness means treating your partner with respect and caring, while firmness means not giving in or giving up. If your partner says something, listen and respond with reassurance or simple facts, but don’t agree unless it’s meeting your objective. Don’t slide into nagging, manipulating, pushing, coercing, or abusing. Let your partner know that getting therapy is important to you, that you are serious about finding a satisfactory solution, that you want his or her participation in solving it, and you’re not going to give up or forget the idea

4. Be sincere about cooperating and be sure that you really are willing to negotiate and that you honestly want your partner to be satisfied, too, so that your invitation to your partner to participate is genuine. If you really desire a cooperative, equal relationship, and your partner doesn’t understand the value of that, it’s up to you to lead the way. To succeed, you must accept the responsibility of being cooperative whether or not your partner agrees to participate.

5. Try to understand your partner’s resistance. His or her inexperience, mistrust, need to control, or reluctance to be direct can be in the way. Encourage your partner to talk about his or her reluctance, and listen carefully. What you learn will make the difference for your success.

6. Be as objective as possible. When you express what you feel, use “I” messages, and don’t expect your partner to agree. Instead, try to see both sides: why you want to negotiate, as well as why your partner doesn’t. The better you understand your partner’s attitude and concerns, the more effective you will be at reassuring and convincing him or her that going to therapy will benefit him or her, too. Seek to explain the benefits of therapy as your partner would perceive them, through reassurance and active listening.

7. Address your partner’s fear. You may need to reassure your partner many times because you are asking for change, and change is unsettling and produces anxiety. Unwillingness to go to therapy almost always indicates fear of the outcome. It can be very reassuring to remind your partner: “I don’t want to discomfort or embarrass you.”

8. Remind your partner of your good will. Love and respect usually reduce defensiveness and make cooperation easier. Take some time to remind yourself of all the good and valuable aspects of your relationship, and then share them with your partner. Tell your partner you believe that with therapy you can solve the problem.

Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed https://tinyurl.com/y6pw26l8
ISBN# 978-1-59869-325-6 © Tina B.Tessina, 2008