HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST
HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST
Narcissists lack impulse control, and a sense of responsibility, because emotionally they’re stuck at the narcissistic stage children go through about 2 years old. So, you’re dealing with an emotional two-year-old in a grownup body.
A man with lots of charm, who says exactly what you want to hear, may be dishonest and narcissistic. What about the man who is mistakenly confident: that is, he’s sure he’s great, but your experience is, he’s an emotional dud? This man is most likely self-involved, and doesn’t have much empathy or concern for others. His braggadocio may conceal a very wounded soul, along with an alcohol, drug or gambling problem. If he’s often enraged, he lacks impulse control, and a sense of responsibility, because he’s a narcissist.
Perhaps a Narcissistic woman lives in a fantasy world; ignoring the consequences of her actions, which is a definition of emotional immaturity. She may be a woman with lots of charm, who says exactly what you want to hear, but is really dishonest and self-centered. This woman is most likely self-involved, and doesn’t have much empathy or concern for others. Her charm flair may conceal a very wounded soul, along with an alcohol, drug or gambling problem. She often re-interprets reality to fit her fantasy. She offers sex; but doesn’t always deliver. She uses sex to manipulate people.
A narcissist:
• Thinks he/she is superior; you’ll hear a lot about how the Narcissist is right and someone else is wrong. Eventually, you’ll be the one who is wrong.
• Expects admiration and attention (while offering little or none). Every conversation becomes about the Narcissist, always saying how great they are.
• Is arrogant and full of self-aggrandizing beliefs: quite likely to say unrealistic or unbelievable things; the Narcissist believes them, so they sound true.
• Lacks true empathy but can fake it convincingly (for awhile): Knows what to say to win you over, but doesn’t mean it.
The Narcissist may rush the relationship with promises of a future: but later you realize they are lies. There may be constant texting, emailing, phone calls; excessive romancing/hard sell courtship? Male Narcissists promise romance, females promise sex. Even after you get involved the constant contact may continue as this is a form of control. On closer examination, you may notice he/she is actually not capable of true intimacy, love, emotional bonding, or a reciprocal and fulfilling relationship. They can’t control the lying and they aren’t reliable.
You are always to blame; he/she is always the innocent victim.
Friends and acquaintances will tell stories of how many people have been in love with him/her, and yet all the relationships ended the same way. It may take a while to figure out the truth, as his/her version will be highly fictionalized.
Narcissists target intelligent, attractive, successful people to feed their insecure egos. There’s a high need for ego-stroking. Narcissists sound arrogant (and they are) but they are also massively insecure.
Narcissists are also prone to depression and anxiety; They have a developmentally stunted emotional level? Despite early signs to the contrary, a narcissist cannot maintain the pretense of being a real grown-up for long because they are emotionally stuck at around 2 1/2 years old.
Long-term partners of narcissists lose their sense of who they are. They give up on ever being cherished or valued or loved. They spend all their time navigating the mine-field that is their relationship, and no matter how good they are at it, things blow up on a regular basis
©2022 Tina B. Tessina excerpted from It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction
Author Bio:
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 25 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" (New Page 2003)""How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page 2002) "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" (Wiley 2002) and "The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs" (New Page 2001) She publishes the “Happiness Tips from Tina” e-mail newsletter and has hosted "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show. She is an online expert, answering relationship questions atwww.CouplesCompany.comand Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Institute expert and “Psychology Smarts” columnist for First for Women. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and on such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC news.
