HOW TO REPAIR DAMAGED TRUST
HOW TO REPAIR DAMAGED TRUST
Healthy relationships are built on trust; and trust can be easily damaged by so many mistakes, big and small. There are several ways we need to trust our partners:
Emotionally: to not hurt our feelings or criticize us harshly, directly or indirectly.
Financially: to not spend money out of bounds or without agreement.
Commitment: to not violate the terms of our mutual commitment.
Boundaries: to respect each other’s privacy and personal space, as well as sexual boundaries.
We often overlook it when trust is broken in small ways: a partner brings home a pricey outfit or gadget that they didn’t discuss with you before purchase, but you let it go in the interest of keeping the peace. Someone makes a hurtful comment, but it’s rare, and you let it go. These small breaches of trust are common, and won’t do serious damage if they don’t pile up. But missteps happen, and sometimes the trust is broken and needs repairing. Many breakups and divorces are the result of a major breach of trust.
To repair damaged trust, both of you must be willing to take responsibility for your actions. Because people make mistakes, you can realistically expect that trust will be damaged occasionally during an extended relationship, due to misunderstanding or ignorance. Repairing broken trust requires emotional maturity and good negotiating skills; you must be able to discuss the angry and hurt feelings and work together to resolve them, with a therapist if necessary, so you can continue building healthy trust.
Trust is the basic underlying issue in all sexual matters of relationships. Do you trust yourself, and do you trust each other? On a surface level, a trusting relationship is one in which both partners feel secure that agreements will be honored. Behind this, however, is a much deeper issue: trusting each other to have self-control, and trusting your own selves. Trust, like all feelings, is difficult to pin down, to define. Trust of oneself is the basis of all trust. Although when our trust falters, most of us have the tendency to blame someone else (he cheated, she broke her word, you promised), the real issue at the root of trust is: can I take care of myself if you let me down?
To have a trusting, reliable relationship with your partner, you must be reliable and trustworthy yourself. If you make a promise to yourself, do you keep it? If you’re unable to keep an agreement with yourself, no one else can trust you. In addition, your own untrustworthy behavior will lead you to believe that others are also unreliable. Your trust of your partner thus begins with your own self-esteem and self-control. The trust between you needs to develop in a reciprocal fashion, with each partner demonstrating to the other that trust expected is trust given. Reliability is crucial to the success of your relationship. If you’re not sure how much you can trust your partner, back up, slow down, and begin to build that trust before going further. If you can’t yet trust yourself also back up, slow down, keep the relationship going slow until you repair the problem with yourself. If the trust between you and your partner has been damaged, you will need to work together to rebuild that trust. How do you build trust? Make agreements that are sensible, and keep them. Trust grows in a relationship over time, as contracts are kept. Be on time, pay your debts, and treat your partner with respect. When you can’t keep your promise, say so in advance if you can’t do that, apologize and ask how you can repair the damage. The process is much the same whether you’re building trust with yourself or someone else. The following guidelines will help you put these methods into practice:
Guidelines for Building Trust:
• Remember fear breaks down trust. Don’t frighten your partner (or yourself) by testing too hard, risking too much, or demanding the impossible. If you begin to feel frightened, talk about it. If you want to be told what is going on, don’t make it too hard for your partner to be honest by making threats or reacting hysterically, or with rage.
• Keep each other informed. Lying or sneaking does even more damage than breaking contracts. If you slip up, tell the truth. If your partner errs, be open to hearing it without flying off the handle, and negotiate a solution to the problem, using the problem solving steps in the first section of this chapter. If your partner keeps messing up, and shows no sign of change, or if you can’t keep your bargains, couple counseling is crucial. Do not delay, use the guidelines in chapter seven and go immediately.
• Learn to make clear contracts and renegotiate them before you break them, so your trust in each other is maintained.
• Give it time. Patience and communication are your best allies. As you learn that you both make mistakes, and no one’s being deliberately hurtful, trust builds. As it does, you can begin to relax the rules, and allow yourselves more spontaneity.
©2023 Tina B. Tessina. Adapted from:Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed
Author Bio:
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 25 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" (New Page 2003)""How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page 2002) "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" (Wiley 2002) and "The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs" (New Page 2001) She publishes the “Happiness Tips from Tina” e-mail newsletter and has hosted "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show. She is an online expert, answering relationship questions at www.CouplesCompany.comand Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Institute expert and “Psychology Smarts” columnist for First for Women. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and on such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC news.
