GENTLY LETTING GO
GENTLY LETTING GO
I got this email from a client, which inspired this article: “I just read “Circles of Closeness” and “Unrequited Friendships.” I also sent them to my friend who is having similar challenges. Can you help me?
“I feel as though I'’m continuing to grow and evolve rapidly in my life. One of the ways I feel that change is in my friendships. People I used to enjoy, I really do not enjoy their company as much. They are not offensive or toxic. In fact, they are just as sweet. But, I do not have fun with them anymore.
“There are people, who were once in the “Inner Circle,” who don’t feel like they belong there right now because we are growing differently. We are growing apart and perhaps one day, close together again.
“In “Circles of Closeness” you describe the ways in which we allow people to move through the concentric circles to the most close circle. But I didn’t see described a way of allowing both the ebb and the flow. How do you gently nudge someone into outer ring who was once in the inner ring? How do you also deal with someone who wants to be close to you, but you do not want to be as close to them (after a period of being closer)?”
So many people have trouble with this. Friendships do ebb and flow, and if you’re in a personal growth period, you can outgrow friends you used to enjoy. That may mean it’s time to let go, gently.
I know you don’t want to hurt anyone, so it’s important to be thoughtful, and make sure the person knows that you appreciate who they are. Let go slowly, not all at once. To let go gently, it’s helpful to have an excuse (work, travel, a new relationship, a sick relative) that is taking up your time, and be apologetic. This will help make the transition easier. However, if a formerly close friend is in a needy spot, there may be no easy way to do it.
One way to make it easier to let go gently is to create replacements for yourself: introduce your friend to other people they might get along with, It’s work the investment of a couple of lunches, walks or other ways to get together with these friends and see if they make the connection with each other. Shy people might need a little support in meeting new friends.
Instead of meeting with this friend one on one, try getting them to go with you to groups or activities that they are likely to enjoy. Fewer one on one meetings and more group settings may help wean them away from you, and get interested in other people.
If you feel that your friend has only you for support, you might want to explain that being their only friend is too much for you, and find a way to talk about “Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends” with them.
Remember, you may find yourself missing this friend once you’re no longer close, so be kind, and leave the door open for renewing the friendship.
© Tina B. Tessina 2025
Adapted from: The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40
Author Bio:
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 25 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" (New Page 2003)""How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page 2002) "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" (Wiley 2002) and "The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs" (New Page 2001) She publishes the “Happiness Tips from Tina” e-mail newsletter and has hosted "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show. She is an online expert, answering relationship questions atwww.CouplesCompany.comand Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Institute expert and “Psychology Smarts” columnist for First for Women. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and on such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC news.
