BREAKUP EMOTIONS FOLLOW THE STAGES OF GRIEF
BREAKUP EMOTIONS FOLLOW THE STAGES OF GRIEF
Denial: Maybe he’ll call again, maybe she didn’t really mean it … Or, staying way too long, because you don’t want to face that the relationship isn’t working.
Anger: Pretty self-evident. If someone breaks it off, you’re going to be upset. Even if you’re the one who broke it off, you’ll be angry at the loss of your dreams. Sometimes, this anger is what it takes to leave the relationship.
Bargaining: For a dating breakup, I’d call this the rebound stage: I’ll show him/her. I’ll go find someone else right away. Men usually do this faster than women, but any relationship entered into in this stage usually has problems. In some cases, this is a stage of idealizing the ex.
Depression: Isolating, staying home, not trying anything new.
Acceptance/Rebuilding: This is the stage of new energy, where you decide to do something different, from a new haircut to building a whole new life. People often do well in therapy here—figuring out what went wrong, and how not to repeat mistakes, and then find a new love.
Men and women differ in their responses to breakup/heartaches and what makes them feel better also differs.
Many men tend to deny their feelings, and go right out on the hunt again. It feels good for a while, but they wind up with bigger problems in the new relationship, because they weren’t ready, and they got into it for the wrong reasons. Other men just give up, and hide out at home. To really feel better, they have to face their own responsibility in past relationships that didn’t work, make changes, and begin having relationships on a brand-new basis.
Women tend to honor their feelings, sometimes even wallowing in them. However, when they emerge, they’re usually stronger and more self-aware. If they get stuck in the wallowing phase, that’s a good time to get therapy to reassess how you view yourself and what you want.
To deal with the anguish of heartache, don’t get too dramatic. It’s not anguish, it’s grief. You lost something you wanted, it feels bad. It’s not cancer or paralysis or death. Learn to grieve and accept the loss, and then build on what you learn to make future relationships more functional and realistic. If you accept the need to learn, and the responsibility for whatever you messed up (including choosing the wrong type of person) you’ll have something much better next time.
Temporarily breaking off all contact with your ex is usually best. You need time to grieve and reflect, and you can’t do that by stalking your ex’s Facebook page. Understand that texting and calling work against you, make you look really bad and unattractive, and hurt your self-esteem. If you can’t stop, you can get help at Co-Dependents Anonymous or get therapy.
© 2023 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from: Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it, and 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth
Author Bio:
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 25 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" (New Page 2003)""How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page 2002) "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" (Wiley 2002) and "The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs" (New Page 2001) She publishes the “Happiness Tips from Tina” e-mail newsletter and has hosted "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show. She is an online expert, answering relationship questions atwww.CouplesCompany.comand Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Institute expert and “Psychology Smarts” columnist for First for Women. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and on such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC news.
