ARE YOU CONFIDENT OR ARROGANT?

ARE YOU CONFIDENT OR ARROGANT?

There’s a lot of confusion regarding the difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is about your relationship with yourself. It’s regarding yourself as competent, and liking who you are as a person. It is not about seeing yourself as perfect—simply good enough. Arrogance is about your relationship with others; seeing yourself as better or more accomplished than they are: it can be rooted in poor self-confidence, as a compensation for a poor self-image or poor relationship with yourself. It’s worth knowing the difference, because it has a big influence on your interactions with others, and your success in work and relationships.

Here are some subtle signs that can cause people to think you’re arrogant or confident: How do you think you relate?

Giving advice
Arrogant: Arrogant people tell other people what to do, or correct what they are doing, when they don’t have that kind of relationship status. If you’re a teacher, a mentor, a therapist, a boss or a parent of a small child; or if someone asks for your advice, you have the status to instruct and assign tasks related to the situation. However, the style in which you do it, or if you step out of bounds, might give people the idea that you are arrogant.
Confident: Confident people offer advice when asked, or check and see if their advice is wanted before they offer. As in “I have a suggestion, do you want it?” or, “Would you like to know what I think?” When they do give advice, it’s often couched as “What works for me is…”

Talking about yourself
Arrogant: Arrogant people brag, tend to themselves and not give others a chance. The conversation is “all about me” and doesn’t give any credit to others.
Confident: A confident person asks about others first, asks others to celebrate with them when something good happens, or commiserate when something bad happens, but doesn’t assume what’s happening to them, good or bad, is the most important thing to anyone else.

Talking about others
Arrogant: Arrogant people gossip or say negative things about other people, criticizing how they look or act or sound. Arrogant people can be reluctant to celebrate someone else’s good news, and too eager to hear the bad. Arrogant people feel defensive when someone praises someone else.
Confident: Confident people speak kindly about other people, whether they are present or not. Confidence rejoices in others’ happiness and success, and is happy to congratulate them. Confidence understands that someone else’s success doesn’t take away from theirs, and life is not a competition.

Intimate Relationships (friends, family, romance)
Arrogant: Arrogance is all about you: what you want, how you feel, and whether the other person is living up to your expectations. Surprisingly enough, acting like a victim (poor me) can be arrogant. Arrogance is critical and only grudgingly forgiving.
Confident: Confidence is generous, cares about what the other person wants as much as you care about what you want. Confidence is willing to work together to resolve differences and problems. Confidence causes you to take care of yourself in difficult situations, without blaming anyone else.

Workplace:
Arrogant: For arrogant people the office is like a battlefield, and they always need to win. They are aggressive with ideas, and want to claim all the credit for anything anyone else achieves. They look at coworkers as sources of help, but don’t want to help in return. They can be obsequious to the boss, but imperious to co-workers: even equals.
Confident: Confident people do their best, and want to succeed, but understand that cooperation beats competition. They are happy to give credit wherever it is due, and gracious when credit is given to them. They strive to work comfortably with all their co-workers: bosses, equals, and underlings. They are happy to praise, and if they need to correct someone, are kind and helpful, explaining what will fix the problem rather than criticizing and blaming.

Social Venues
Arrogant: Arrogant people want the spotlight. They want to look the best, dance the best, drink the best, and so on. They want everyone to admire them, and you do what they think it will take, but it often doesn’t work. People are attracted to them at first, then turned off.
Confident: Confident people are with friends to have fun, and realize having fun is something you all do together. They think about whether the other people are enjoying themselves, and include them as much as possible, smiling and having enjoyable conversations. They know it’s not all about them.

Communication:
Arrogant: Arrogant people want to tell their own story, but are not as interested in what someone else has to say. They gossip and criticize others. People don’t feel good after talking with them.
Confident: Confident people are as interested in what others have to say and what is going on with them as they are in telling their own news. They genuinely care about others, and the others can feel it. People usually feel better after talking with confident people; because they are complimentary and not critical, If they can’t say anything nice, they say nothing.

© 2005 Tina (from It Ends With You)

Author Bio:

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 25 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" (New Page 2003)""How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page 2002) "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" (Wiley 2002) and "The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs" (New Page 2001) She publishes the “Happiness Tips from Tina” e-mail newsletter and has hosted "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show. She is an online expert, answering relationship questions atwww.CouplesCompany.comand Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Institute expert and “Psychology Smarts” columnist for First for Women. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and on such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC news.