AFTER INFIDELITY—STAY OR GO?

AFTER INFIDELITY—STAY OR GO?

When you get the devastating news that your spouse has had an affair, how do you decide whether to stay or go? Because you feel betrayed, your first impulse is usually anger, and wanting to leave—fight or flight. But, after you calm down, you realize there’s a lot you’ll lose, and you may have children to consider. Don’t make an instant decision you may regret later, after the damage is done. It’s possible to find an extraordinary love after divorcing late in life, but most of my clients report the potential partners out there are no better than the ones they left.

While I don’t think you should stay and suffer if nothing’s working, in my practice I see many couples who do the work and wind up happier than before. The affair may have happened after long-standing problems in the marriage, which can actually be corrected to the satisfaction of both partners. Often dissatisfaction grows from resentment, and the root causes can be fixed with the help of counseling. If both partners are willing to change what’s not working, a marriage can be improved can be turned into a satisfying life of enjoyable companionship.

I also see a fair number of couples who get back together after a divorce, because they had a chance to see what it’s like to be alone, and to calm down and get over petty resentments. Unfortunately, now they’re a lot poorer because of the costs of the divorce, dividing up property, and so on. Here are some reasons to stay or go:

Top 5 reasons to stay:

• Your spouse truly recognizes he or she has a problem, and is willing to get help to fix it, and to be accountable for rebuilding trust.
• You two are going to counseling, and understanding why the affair happened, and how to fix the problems.
• You’re getting your own sex life back on track, if it was off track.
• You have a long, shared history, joint finances, and family ties that make it worth keeping the marriage together.
• You still love each other, and it’s clearly mutual.

Top 5 reasons to go:

• Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, and blames you. This means he or she is invested in the cheating behavior, and not ready to change.
• You have had it, no longer feel connected, and are not willing to work on it. Be sure this isn’t just temporary anger.
• You are prepared to be on your own.
• You either have no children, they’re grown, or you’re certain a divorce will be better for them than what’s going on.
• Your spouse refuses to give up the other relationship, or infidelity in general.

Working these issues out together will either repair and improve the relationship you have, or teach you skills and attitudes you need to know to make any relationship great.

Author Bio:

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 25 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" (New Page 2003)""How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page 2002) "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" (Wiley 2002) and "The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs" (New Page 2001) She publishes the “Happiness Tips from Tina” e-mail newsletter and has hosted "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show. She is an online expert, answering relationship questions atwww.CouplesCompany.comand Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Institute expert and “Psychology Smarts” columnist for First for Women. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and on such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC news.