USE YOUR WORK SKILLS AT HOME Viewing your family dispassionately as a business doesn’t sound romantic, but if you can step back from your feelings long enough to view your relationship from this perspective, your financial situation will make more sense, money problems will be easier to solve, and you’ll be able to discuss financial decisions with less difficulty. Guidelines for Using Work Skills at Home   • Don’t React; Respond: Probably neither of you would argue with the boss, colleagues at work, or a child’s teacher the way you argue with each other. Even if your boss makes you angry, most likely you would use self-control at the office, and blow off steam in private to your co-workers or a friend. Then, when you had a chance to think about the situation, you’d develop a better way of handling it, and perhaps approach your boss with a thoughtful response. You can do the same thing with your partner when you have a money problem. Instead of saying the first thing that occurs to you, such as criticism or blaming, stop and think of a response more likely to lead to a discussion of the problem, rather than an argument.   • Use Positive Manipulation: We often think of manipulation as a bad thing, as dishonest. However, acting in a way that makes it more likely to get a good response is not always deceitful or insidious. When you present an idea or solution, think about what your partner would like about it, and lead with that. “Honey, you know that new car you’ve been wanting? I think I have a way for us to get it. We could take out some equity on the house to renovate the kitchen, we could get your new car, and the interest would be so much cheaper than a car loan.” This is truthful, thoughtful, and clearly shows your partner how both of your wants can be taken care of, so it’s more likely to get a positive response.   • Have A Formal Meeting: Just as you would in business, sit down for a real meeting about important financial issues. Don’t expect to be able to discuss finances successfully while you’re on the run, when it’s late at night, or while watching TV. Instead, make a date for discussing finances, and take the time to sit down together, with all the proper information, and discuss your needs, wants and means. Follow a meeting method like Robert’s Rules of Order, to keep the discussion on track. Focus on solving the problem, rather than on blaming each other.   • Take Finances Seriously: Healthy businesses keep a close eye on the bottom line. In marriage, this means being careful about your money, but also not using money as a weapon against each other, or being irresponsible about it. A successful, happy marriage requires that both partners act like grownups. It’s not surprising if you have disagreements about how much to save, when and what to spend and who makes financial decisions, because such differences are normal between people. If you take them seriously, and sit down to solve them together with mutual good will, your different points of view will become assets, not problems.   • Check in Regularly: As you do in business, have a brief check-in as frequently as possible. In the morning, or the night before, compare your daily schedules. Even if the things on your schedule don’t really involve your partner, mention them, so that each of you will know if you’re facing anything important, or challenging in the day ahead. When you have an idea of what’s involved in each other’s’ daily lives while you’re apart, you will be much more able to respond in a helpful fashion to each other, especially when sudden changes or problems arise. For example, you can say: “I have to pick up some clients at the airport today, and I don’t know what the traffic will be like, so I could be late tonight.” When you follow these guidelines for using work skills at home, you’ll understand each other better, and you’ll both understand your goals and feel more motivated to follow the plans you make. ©2025 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 18 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; The Real 13th Step; How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free; 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health, and her newest; Stop Overthinking: A Workbook. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts.
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