WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU ARGUE A LOT No matter what you’re fighting about, the fighting is an indication that your communication isn’t working. If this happens only occasionally, such as when one or both of you are tired or stressed, it’s not too big a problem. However, if you argue or bicker on a daily or weekly basis, or you keep fighting about the same thing over and over, then your communication is not functioning as it should, and you don’t know how to move from a problem to the solution. When this happens, problems are recurrent, endless, and they can be exaggerated into relationship disasters. 1. Don’t participate: Disagreements always require two people. If you don’t participate, your partner can’t argue without you. If the issue arises at an inopportune time, you can just find a temporary resolution (temporarily give in, go home, leave the restaurant, go to another room) and wait until things calm down to discuss what happened (the squabble may just have been a case of too much alcohol, or being tired and irritable.) Then talk about what you can do instead if it ever happens again. 2. Discuss Recurring Problems: To resolve recurring problems, discuss related decisions with your partner and find out what each of you does and does not want before making important decisions. You have a lot of options; so don’t let confusion add to the stress. Be interested in what your partner thinks about it; don’t reject it out of hand. 3. Seek to Understand: Make sure you and your partner understand each other’s point of view before beginning to solve the problem. You should be able to put your mate’s position in your own words, and vice versa. This does not mean that you agree with each other, just that you understand each other. 4. Solve it for the Two of You: Come up with a solution that works for just the two of you, ignoring anyone else’s needs. It’s much easier to solve a problem for the two of you than for others you may not understand. After you are clear with each other, discuss the issues with others (such as family members, neighbors, work colleagues) who may be involved. 5. Talk to Others: If extended family members or friends might have problems with your decision, talk about what objections they might have, so you can diffuse them beforehand. Discuss possible ways to handle their objections. Then talk to them as a couple, so they can see you’re united. Arguments often occur because you’re following automatic habit patterns that lead to a problem before you know it. Using these guidelines will help you overcome negative habit patterns you may have built that lead to arguments or bickering. Why are you fighting Sometimes there’s no good reason why you’re fighting. It may be a symbolic argument. For example: It’s not really about who’s spending what, it’s about fairness or respect. It’s not really about helping with parenting; it’s about whether you care about how hard I work. It definitely helps to let your partner know what the symbolic meaning is to you. It helps equally well for you to listen to your partner’s feelings about it. Does she feel unfairly burdened with too much of the childcare or housework? Does it feel unmanly and belittling to him to do housework? What if you’re allergic, and raising dust gives you sinus problems? These struggles are only insurmountable if you don’t know understand why you’re arguing, or what you’re really arguing about. To discover what the fight is really about, you need to talk. You’ll learn techniques and discover guidelines to show you how to begin, and how to uncover the underlying factors. For example: • Why does he want it done the way he does? • How does she think it should be? • What do I really want? Once you find out the specific reasons behind your own and your partner’s preferences, you’ll find out how to solve the problems you didn’t know were there. Is there a concrete reason (it’s more convenient this way, it saves money, it suits your personality) or is it just what you learned from your childhood? Or is it a reaction against your upbringing? Is there a specific reason why or why not? Once you understand each other’s reasons, you’ll have an easier time coming up with a solution. © Tina B. Tessina, 2024 From: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed https://tinyurl.com/y6pw26l8 Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 18 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free; 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health, and her newest; Stop Overthinking: A Workbook. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts.
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