TRUST AND DISHONESTY IN RELATIONSHIPS Dishonesty, and the problems it causes in relationships has been part of human behavior for a long time. What may be different today is that we’re living in more urban settings, and people are more mobile: we don't know who new people are, who their families are, so we need to be more self-protective. Also, I believe the anonymity of a lot of social media, easily available porn and seductive gaming on the Internet makes it both easier and more tempting to be dishonest. Dishonesty can create many problems in your relationship, so it’s better to clean it up and get things in the open. Can You Trust Your Partner? The best way to tell if your partner is lying is to you is to be observant and use your intuition. If you get any internal warnings or uncomfortable feelings, use them as an early warning system. Pay very close attention and find out what is causing your negative reaction. Make a list of every incident, remark or behavior that causes you to be suspicious. Once you have them written down, you can examine them yourself to see if you’re overreacting, and you’ll also be able to talk rationally with your partner, and ask for clarification or reassurance. It’s not healthy to be a “detective” and pry when your partner’s behavior is normal, but if there are real reasons for suspicion, then going through financial records, computer files, and checking up may become necessary to accumulate enough evidence that the problem is real. If your partner continuously goes out of bounds, breaks promises or lies, he or she may be out of control. For example, a partner who has promised to quit smoking, yet keeps sneaking cigarettes, may have too strong an addiction to conquer it alone. Quitting “cold turkey” may not be possible. The same can be true with other addictions like drinking, overspending, throwing tantrums, being abusive, sexual infidelity, drugs or gambling. Understand that a person who is out of control actually can’t curb the behavior until he or she does the hard work of learning how. A major portion of learning self-control was missing in childhood, and that lack of emotional development must be remedied. This requires therapy and a support group, and in severe cases, may require rehab. Just feeling remorseful and promising to do better doesn’t work. Also, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may be part of the problem. Find out if the two of you can talk rationally about the problems, if he or she takes responsibility for the problem, and does something real about changing, and if you do the same. If you can’t do this by yourselves, get the advice of a counselor about what will help. If you find you have real reason to doubt your partner, and there are severe problems, such as lying, major money problems, a history of alcohol abuse, violence, many past relationship problems, a criminal record, reports of illegal activities, or drug use, do not make excuses, and do not accept empty promises of change. Change is difficult, and will take a lot of time. Mere promises, no matter how well intended, are not sufficient. If the problem is severe you may need to get out of this relationship to preserve your own well-being and protect your children and your finances. If your partner decides to get help, let him or her do it because he or she knows they need it, not to get you back. That’s not a strong enough motive to keep him or her committed to change, but frequently the threat of losing a relationship or family is the one thing that can break through addiction and denial, and get the person realize they have a real problem, and to seek help. You need to stay strong until you see real evidence of change for a consistent period of time. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you can help. Problems this severe require more than you can provide, and your “help” may only postpone the real treatment this person needs. Be very cautious about giving your partner a second chance. Giving second chances to people who have severe problems often keeps you from going on with your life, and sends you around the whole disappointing cycle again. How to Open Up the Honesty in Your Relationship In my counseling practice, couples are frequently amazed that when they open up, even a secret they were really terrified to reveal turns out to be easily fixed. The power love has to heal old wounds is truly amazing. Sometimes, however, revelations can be a shock. The shock is usually more about the betrayal of keeping the secret in the first place. However, if your relationship has been sexually or financially dishonest, it may be advisable to get some professional advice before “opening up” or confessing. Telling the truth without preparation can result in fighting and recrimination, so having an objective counselor present for the revelations can help the whole process go more smoothly. When you both agree you want more honesty, you can use the following exercise to open up the conversation: Set up a problem-solving session: Make a date and time when you’ll be relaxed and uninterrupted to talk for at least an hour, preferably more. Having a time to talk about honesty will help you create trust and openness which makes finding solutions much easier. Reassure each other: Begin with reassurance and good will, reminding each other of your love and commitment and of your desire that your relationship be honest and open. Keep in mind that beneath whatever frustration and struggle you’re having, each of you is longing to be cared about and understood. Remind each other: “I love you; I want our relationship to be good for both of us.” Share: Say what is important to each of you about honesty. If you had a bad experience with someone else who was dishonest, this is the time to talk about it. If you feel nervous about telling the truth because you’ve been scolded or rejected before, share that. If there’s a lot of dishonesty or many secrets between you, start with just one, to see how it goes. The goal is to share your wants, needs, and ideas: Your partner may be eager to forgive and accept you, but you’ll never know that unless you’re willing to be honest. Listen as well as talk: Being honest means not only telling the truth; but also being willing to hear the truth from each other. Making honesty OK is the key opening up the intimacy in your relationship. To keep an open mind; make this promise to each other: “I may not like what you tell me, I may have trouble hearing it, but I will still love you, and we will work together to come to an agreement that works.” If this exercise goes well, repeat it frequently to develop the habit of openness and honesty between you. If you cannot do it, or you wind up fighting or upset, you may need counseling to correct the honesty problems in your relationship. In that case, see my article Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids. . She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts, including on GenerousMarriage.com. She tweets @tinatessina.
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