STONEWALLING: WHAT IT IS AND HOW TO OVERCOME IT Stonewalling is saying nothing during a discussion or argument with a partner. It means your thinking has shut down, and you don’t know what to say. It feels like you’re refusing to communicate, when it’s really emotional paralysis. Your brain is overloaded and shuts down when you get upset. You need to ask your partner for a break to think through a response, or just say “I don’t know what to say” Some people get loud and agitated when upset in an argument; but others just shut down, which the partner perceives as stonewalling, or refusing to communicate. People who like to avoid conflict may shut down during a confrontation. This conflict avoidance may occur if you had a loud or overbearing parent or sibling as a child. It sets up a fear response that shuts down thinking and feeling. Of course, stonewalling frustrates your spouse, which can cause your partner to escalate (get louder and angrier) which will shut you down further. It’s a fear response, signaling that you (or your partner) are overwhelmed, and often happens when one partner has more verbal ability than the other. It can also be a result of PTS (Post-Traumatic Stress) which means you got severely punished or reprimanded for giving the wrong answer (or “talking back”) as a child. Stonewalling is frustrating to your partner, which increases anger and resentment. It also stops both of you from discussing whatever the problem is, and reaching a mutually satisfactory solution. How can you recognize if you are stonewalling and change your habits during conflict if you’re the one who shuts down? You need to do it in stages. First, recognize that it’s a body/brain response, not entirely in your control. Learn to recognize how it feels, so you can tell your partner you’ve shut down, and you need a few moments. Then, discuss it with your partner at a time when you and your partner are not upset, and help your partner to understand that it’s an involuntary response to too many words and too much emotion. If your partner (who probably doesn’t have the same problem) understands, he or she may be able to be more helpful and understanding. If your partner is stonewalling you, understand that it is probably involuntary. Your partner is not doing it on purpose. His or her fear response is mental paralysis, which has shut down thinking and feeling, because it’s overwhelming. You need to calm down, recognize that the overwhelm can’t go away as long as you’re talking. Take a break (I suggest my clients call a “time out” by making a “T” with their hands, as in basketball), calm down, and then re-approach the subject, using a few words at a time, and seek to understand what is so fearful to your partner (who may not recognize the fear) Think about communicating with a frightened pet or child, and use that tone of voice, and that calm demeanor. This is not easy, but it’s very rewarding, because it works. If either one of you has a tendency to shut down during conflict or upset, you can work together to calm yourselves and each other down, and learn to talk calmly about problems and differences, so no one will get emotionally flooded enough to shut down. It’s more important to be open to listening to your partner than to try and pressure him or her to see your side. ©2025 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 18 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free; 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health, and her newest; Stop Overthinking: A Workbook. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts.
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