LACK OF COMMUNICATION In working with couples, one issue comes up over and over: Couples are in trouble because they have difficulty in communicating. If you can’t talk with each other calmly and productively, your partnership grinds to a standstill, and you can’t move forward together. Lack of communication in a relationship leads to a number of problems: • Partners wind up guessing what the other is thinking, leading to exaggeration of problems and more miscommunication. • When communication breaks down, sex (which is non-verbal communication) tends to break down, also. • Resentment can build, and wind up destroying all the good feelings between you. • Divorce is the ultimate result of lack of communication. How NOT to get what you want: (Common communication mistakes) • Exaggerate your want: The fear that you may not get what you want may cause you to say you want more than you really do, (“I want you here all the time”). This is confusing to both you and your partner, and because your wants are exaggerated, makes it look much more difficult to reach a satisfactory solution than it really is. • Overstate your need: The fear that you won’t get your wants met may cause you to state what you want as if your survival depended on it (“I'll just DIE if you don’t come with me”). This causes your partner to feel suspicious that he or she is being manipulated, and resist cooperating with you. • Argue for or justify your want: Anxiety that your wants are not important enough to be satisfied may lead you to present them as a persuasive argument, with an overwhelming flood of reasons why you should want them or that the wants should be satisfied, (“I should get more of the money than you do, because .......”). This can provoke your partner to object and argue in return, rather than listen. • Not say what you want: Belief that you won’t get what you want anyway, or that differences in wants will cause a fight, may lead you to say you “don’t care” or “it’s not important” or just be silent, when the truth is you’ll resent not getting what you want. • Understate your want: Fear that your partner will be upset, hurt or unhappy if you say what you really want may lead you to ask for something else (“Let’s ask your sister to go with us” when you really want an evening all alone together). This confuses your partner, and makes it impossible to get what you really want because you haven’t said what it is. The following guidelines will help you improve your communication. Guidelines for Being Better Understood: 1. Seek first to understand. If you know your partner’s frame of reference, you can speak to him/her within it. 2. Pay attention to how your words are landing. If your companion’s response looks off the mark for what you said, check out what he/she is hearing. 3. Focus on the solution that would work for everyone, rather than who’s right or wrong. Only focus on the problem long enough to understand, then switch to what will fix it. 4. Separate emotion from solution. If one or both of you are upset, irrational or reactive, you aren’t communicating. Take a break and try again in a few minutes, when both of you have calmed down. 5. Don’t beat dead horses. If you’ve been over the same ground several times with no forward movement, get some help. An objective third party can work wonders. 6. Be nice. Strive to create a cooperative atmosphere, and consider your partner’s feelings. © 2024 Tina B. Tessina. Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 18 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free; 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health, and her newest; Stop Overthinking: A Workbook. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts.
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