HOW TO HELP SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING I often hear from clients who are uncomfortable with grief, their own and others’ and they don’t know how to help their friends and family who have experienced a loss. Here are some helpful hints. •  Grief is as natural as digestion, and if you stop either one from happening, you’re going to have trouble. If you allow yourself to grieve, your will to live will inevitably assert itself. Grief is like going through winter. Spring eventually comes, and things begin to bloom and live again. If you find acceptance impossible, get therapy. It will save your life. If a friend seems stuck for a long time, encourage them to talk to you about it. Ask how they’re doing, and be prepared to listen for a while. •  Your presence at the memorial or funeral, honoring their loved one who passed, is of significant comfort, so go if you can. The service will give everyone permission to grieve. •  When you are greeting the family at the funeral, simply say “I’m so sorry for your loss” and then mention (very briefly) something positive you know about the person who passed (if you do). “Your mother was always very kind to me.” Don’t go on and on, they have a lot of people to talk to on that day. •  Usually, during the consolation blitz, the bereaved are in shock, and going through the motions. The real grief doesn’t hit until they’re back to “normal” life. That’s when they need people to talk to and support. Writing and journaling can help, so can doing something for others. Eventually, there are a certain number of tears to cry, and the more you help that happen, the better. •  It is more memorable write your remembrances of the deceased person in a sympathy note and bring it or send it. You can send flowers, a donation, or bring food to the house (casseroles are traditional) during the mourning period. •  Families who are grieving have the hardest time in the months following the funeral; so that’s an important time to offer kindness, support and encouragement. If you're close to someone in the family, invite them out to do simple things or over for a meal. •  When you’re trying to help someone cope with a loss, don’t try to make the bereaved person feel better. It just shuts down their grief, and makes them feel that their feelings are unwanted. Listen if you can. Have patience with the grieving person. Support them when they cry or are angry: it’s part of the process. If their grief is overwhelming for you, help them find at least one person they can trust, such as a dear friend, relative, clergyperson or therapist. If your friend can’t find someone who will listen and support his or her grief help them find a support group. Most hospitals and hospices have support groups open to anyone who has experienced loss. •  Distractions can be good: for example, leaving familiar territory behind and taking your friend away can give him or her a break from the constant impact of loss. But, please be an understanding friend and allow your friend to be down and withdrawn at least part of the time. Too much distraction is bad. People who try to run away from their grief wind up creating other problems. In one sense, we never move forward when a truly loved person dies, especially if it’s a senseless loss of a young person, or some other tragic circumstance. That loss will always be there. However, most grieving should begin to lessen as time passes. For a long-term relationship, someone you spent your days with, the first year will be the hardest, as you pass through all the milestones you formerly spent together. However, it’s hard to put a time limit on it. You need to do whatever is necessary, such as getting back to work or taking care of your children, but you may feel like a robot for quite a long time. Eventually, however, your spirits will begin to rise again, and you’ll feel ready to actually live your life. At that point, the intense part of the grieving is over. If you can’t function in the ways that you need to, you are probably stuck, and therapy would be helpful. Taking prolonged medication such as a mood elevator can keep you stuck and unable to move. If you are on medication prescribed by a medical doctor, rather than a psychiatrist, be sure you have therapy also. •  For more details and specific understanding of how grieving works, read “Surviving Loss and Thriving Again” and “The Legacy of Grief.” •  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction can help you handle your grief and learn how to better support your friends. The following tips will help you or your friends and family move through these feelings and begin to focus on the future. 1. Get Support: The people around you will express a lot of conflicting feelings, because they’re experiencing shock and loss, too. Some of your friends may avoid you, because they don’t know how to deal with your bad experience. You need trusted friends, family, and a church or support group who will care about you, listen to you, and not judge or try to get you to get over it. 2. Talk or write it out: Talk and write until you’ve expressed all of your grief and loss, anger, confusion and disappointment. Assume you have a specific number of tears to shed, and the more you express your feelings, the quicker you will come to the end of the tears. Be aware that expressing all your grief may be more than some of your support system want to hear. A support group, clergy person or therapist will be able to listen without judging until you’ve said everything you need to say. 3. Have a ceremony: When you feel ready, create a ceremony for letting go of your grief. You may want to include some of your close friends, ritually destroy a photo or memento that symbolizes your grief or anger, and share your hopes for the future. © 2025 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from: It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 17 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences; The Real 13th Step; How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free; Money, Sex and Kids; 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health, and her newest; Stop Overthinking. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina.
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