COMMON FORMS OF GASLIGHTING We often hear about gaslighting in feminist writing, because it’s a common form of spousal abuse: Using lying and cheating to cause a partner to have doubts about their own sanity and perceptions. However, gaslighting is more common than just abusive relationships. In fact, it’s a major tactic dishonest politicians and public figures use to confuse and fool the public. Social media and the Internet are prime environments that encourage gaslighting. Like all dishonesty, gaslighting erodes trust and fosters suspicion. According to the Urban Dictionary, “A more psychological definition of gaslighting is “an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim: having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception.” The name comes from the movie “Gaslight,” in which a husband systematically tries to drive his wife to suicide or insanity with false information and denial. We all do this unintentionally to some degree in relationships, as when you insist you told your partner something that your partner doesn’t remember, differing with your partner on the facts of an occurrence you both witnessed. It only becomes a problem if it’s systematic and frequent. Addicts often use gaslighting techniques to hide their addictive or compulsive behavior: when they do it, we call it denial. Most forms of lying and covering up can be called gaslighting. So: • If you buy something expensive and when your partner asks you about it you say “Oh, this old thing? I’ve had it forever,” that’s gaslighting. • If you say you’re going to be at work, when you’re really doing something your spouse would be upset about, that’s gaslighting. • If you give your child or a relative money, when your spouse doesn’t approve, and you lie about or hide it, that’s gaslighting. • If you say you’re working on the taxes, and your spouse can see clearly that you’re not, that’s gaslighting. • Going out with friends and then lying about what you were doing is gaslighting. • Colluding with friends, children or family members to hide something from your partner is gaslighting “OK, I’ll give you extra on your allowance, but don’t tell Daddy/Mommy” • Hiding an affair or other betrayal is gaslighting. There are some common traits of people who tend to use gaslighting tactics on loved ones. • Rebelliousness: I want to do what I want to do, and you can’t stop me. • Irresponsible: I don’t care about your feelings or your wants, I am going to do what I want, and I’m not going to discuss it with you. • Immaturity: I can’t or don’t want to control myself, so I hide my excessive behavior from you. • Resentment: I’m mad at you, but instead of talking to you about it and resolving it, I do something nasty and then lie about it or hide it. • Needing to be right: It’s so important to me to be right, that I’ll insist what I said or did is right, even when I’m clearly wrong. Here are some signals your partner may send off that indicate you are gaslighting him/her. • If your partner won’t talk to you, it may be because he or she has decided it’s not worth it because you won’t listen. • Your partner becomes an amateur detective, because he or she can feel that something isn’t right, but can’t get you to talk about it. • Your partner becomes anxious or depressed, because he or she doesn’t feel respected or heard. • Your partner gets very angry, or even leaves, because living with you is painful. You may not realize that gaslighting can have serious consequences in your relationship. • Your sexual relationship suffers or ends, because a good sexual relationship is based on trust. • Your partner feels betrayed and hurt, and if he or she gets healthy, will probably leave you. • You can see the consequences of gaslighting in any soap opera, because they’re all based on it. No one tells the truth, and there’s a lot of drama. • You’ll fight a lot more. • You won’t be able to talk to each other in an open way. How can you stop gaslighting and improve your relationships? • Try being honest. • Get scrupulous about telling the truth. • Allow your partner to be right when that’s what the facts say. • Confess your misdeeds and work together with your partner how to fix them. • Talk about everything you’re doing, and don’t hide anything. • Tell your partner you think you’ve been manipulating. • Go to counseling and learn how to be more honest with yourself and others. Honesty creates trust, and a trusting relationship is what is needed for love to flourish. If the love seems to be fading out of your relationship, consider that gaslighting may be the problem. ©2025 Tina B. Tessina. Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed br> Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 18 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; The Real 13th Step; How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free; Money, Sex and Kids; 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health, and her newest; Stop Overthinking. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts.
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